Facebook can’t do it.  They have no recourse because this little girl has a fan page and therefore is considered a public figure.  She is open to public criticism because of free speech.  But parents have recourse.  For most parents free speech offline does not include kids using profanity, being gratuitously mean or spouting vitriolic comments.  Most parents teach their kids manners offline and to follow a code of conduct which includes treating people with courtesy and respect.  Kids need to take the same code of conduct they learn offline to the online world. And parents need to make sure they are following a code of conduct.

So where are the parents of these kids?  Why aren’t they monitoring what their kids are doing online?

Maybe they are the “not my child” parents. Or maybe they “trust” their kids do behave appropriately online.  A recent study revealed a huge disconnect between what parents think their kids are doing online and what they’re actually doing online.  An amazing two out of three parents are clueless about what their kids are doing online. Why? Because 70 percent of kids are actively hiding what they do online from their parents.  Many parents feel overwhelmed because of new technology. In today’s internet world, that’s not an excuse.

Parents need to step up to the plate and become aware. They need to learn about the technology, social networking and the risks and consequences when kids go online.

They need to know what their kids are doing and how they’re behaving.  They need to know that one in four kids is cyberbullied and one in five is the cyberbully.  The bottom line is they need to get their heads out of the sand and start being parents online.  This little, sweet girl should not have to suffer because of the ineptitude of parents, who are abdicating their responsibility.  These hateful, cruel remarks online can be prevented and cyberbullying can be stopped.

October is Cyberbullying Prevention Month, so let’s get started!

Kids Are Hiding What They Do Online From Their Parents

How many parents have walked into a room where their child is on the computer to see windows suddenly closed? Then parents often get in a back and forth argument with their child about what they were doing online. These parents are right to be concerned.  It turns out that a whopping 70 percent of teens (up from 45 percent in 2010) are hiding what they do online from their parents. Forty-eight percent are accessing websites that their parents would not allow, 43 percent of teens have accessed simulated violence online, 36 percent have read about sex topics online, and 32 percent went online to see nude photos or pornography.

Kids are closing windows so that their parents don’t find out what they’re doing online.  Fifty-three percent are erasing browser histories. They may create a Facebook account that their parents don’t know about, or manipulate the privacy settings to block parents. They also lie about what they’re doing online. I always wonder, if kids are learning to be so good at being sneaky online, don’t you think they’ll take these same learned skills to the “real” world? Do we really want to have the internet be a clubhouse for kids, parents not wanted? Or should we be part of our kid’s online world so that we can teach them and instill our personal family values? Clearly there is a great deal to teach our kids about Internet safety, Internet use and online behavior.

Teens continue to post personal information online which puts them at risk for identity theft, phishing scams and predators. They post their school name, intimate details, and their cellphone number.

There is also a digital divide about how long parents think their kids are actually online. The reality is that kids are online on average for 3 hours longer than parents think they are. Most parents think their kids are online for 2 hours a day. 41 percent of Teens are also checking their social networking accounts constantly yet only 22 percent of parents are aware of this.

Kids are not telling their parents when they are cyberbullied. Twenty-three percent of kids have been targets of cyberbullying, yet only 10 percent of parents know this has happened.

Parents need to the apply same parenting principles that they use offline to their children’s online world

A parent would  never allow a 12-year-old to go to an R rated movie, or go to a party with older teens. Parents know who their kids are hanging out with in the offline world. Parents need to apply the same offlline principles of parenting to the online world.  They need to have visibility into their children’s online world by checking in occasionally  so that they can see how their kids are behaving online and if they are following internet safety rules.

How?

To keep children out of harms way and teach safe, appropriate computer behavior, parents need to monitor their children’s computer activity. And kids need to know parents are checking. A parent doesn’t have to be computer savvy to click on an icon to see exactly what their child is doing online. They also don’t have to hover at the computer constantly. They need to check in live occasionally to make sure their kids are complying with Internet safety rules and “code of conduct”.  It doesn’t take more than a few minutes to scroll through recordings made when a parent isn’t home. It does take commitment to be a better online parent. The good news is that when parents are checking online risks decrease. According to the survey, “half of teens say that they would think twice about their online activities if they new parents were watching.

Today, the buzz about Facebook is its desire to allow all children access to Facebook despite privacy concerns. To make this happen, Facebook is apparently looking into different safety options for younger users.

Unfortunately, in the wake of its disappointing IPO results, this seems an obvious ploy to garner an added revenue stream, namely your children. Facebook has been spending lobbying dollars in Washington, D.C., to change the C.O.P.P.A (Child Online Privacy Protection Act) which restricts websites from collecting data on children for some time now.

Survey: Should children under 13 years old be allowed on Facebook? To Answer Click Here

Does Facebook Care About Your Child’s Safety?

If Facebook cared about kids’ online safety then by default the Facebook settings would be set to private, not public. Facebook is well aware that many children younger than the age of 13 are already using the social networking site. A consumer report study says that 7.5 million kids are using Facebook younger than the age of 13. Many kids lie about their age to access Facebook. And unfortunately age verification does not work according to Hemanshu Nigam, an internet security expert: “Companies do age verification because they know they’re supposed to, but everybody knows it doesn’t really work.” This is true for all websites, not just Facebook.

What Are the Risks/Benefits of Kids On Facebook?

As parents we need to stop and think hard about what it means when kids go on Facebook. What are the benefits to them? What are the risks? How might Facebook affect their futures?

Facebook started out as a college platform and now is a ubiquitous part of our culture and environment. It is a great way to connect with family and friends. Many teachers communicate with their students on Facebook and post assignments. But Facebook also carries enormous risk especially to younger kids and tweens. Kids are naturally curious, impulsive, lack good judgment and decision making skills because the executive function part of the brain that helps with decision making is not fully developed until an adult reaches 25. It’s difficult for kids to think beyond today to their futures because they tend to be impulsive and take risks. After all they are kids and not miniature adults. As parents we need to guide our children throughout their teen years.

Many tweens openly admit to engaging in risky online behavior. In addition, 26 percent of children said they ignored their parents’ warnings on Internet safety.

Why expose our kids to unnecessary and potentially harmful risks?

Facebook is Not Private

Anything posted online, whether it’s an image or a comment, stays in cyberspace forever. A Facebook post is only as good as a friendship. A friend today may be gone tomorrow. What happens with that post or image then? That “no-longer” friend may disseminate it to others. Images can be photoshopped and then sent to others.

Friending

Many kids think of friends lists as a badge of popularity and don’t always know in real life who these friends are. “70 percent of kids will accept “friend” requests regardless of whether they know the requester,” says Special Agent Wesley Tagtmeyer of the FBI. Also, who will they be connecting with online. Do you want your young child chatting with older teens online? You wouldn’t allow them to go to a party with older teens, so why would you want them on Facebook with older kids?

Parent Friending Not Enough

Many parents think friending their kids is enough to keep them safe and make sure they are behaving appropriately on Facebook. However, many kids are creating two Facebook profiles, one for their friends and one for their parents.

Online Predators

According to the FBI there are 500,000 predators working hard to engage kids online. Facebook is one of the venues where predators try to “friend” children and establish a relationship. This happened recently to girl in Texas. A teacher had confiscated the 12-year-old girl’s cell phone and noticed inappropriate texts with a male who indicated that he would pick this girl up after school. This man was arrested. He met this girl on Facebook and her mom did not know she had a phone. He had sent it to her.

Online predators often pose as teenagers, so kids may think they’re chatting with a 16-year-old but they could be chatting with a much older person.

Kids may inadvertently post identifying information that may make them easy targets for online predators. Sixty-nine percent of 13- to 17-year-olds have updated their status on social networking sites to include their physical location. Fifty-two percent of teens have given out personal information online to someone they don’t know offline.

Kids are indiscriminate about what they post

In a study of 4,400 parents, 21 percent of these parents found abusive or sexually explicit messages on their teen’s Facebook profile. According to Common Sense Media, 39 percent have posted something they later regretted.

Facebook Can Affect Your Child’s Future

Whenever a child posts anything on Facebook, whether it’s an image or a comment, it can affect their futures. Why? Because every time a child posts something online, they are creating their own personal brand online and permanent digital footprint that stays in cyberspace forever. They need to think, “Is this post or image really representing who I am? Would I be embarrassed if a teacher or my grandma saw it?”

A young child may not understand the full implications of their actions and the effect their indiscretions may have on their futures. Many colleges, scholarship providers, and coaches are now looking at Facebook prior to admission, or acceptance. There are companies that help check on students and athletes such as UDilligence and Varsity Monitor that offer a “reputation scoreboard.” An indiscretion from a young “unthinking” child, tween or teen may lead to long term regret.

Kids Are Losing Ability to Communicate Face to Face

Some psychologists say that kids are losing the ability to talk face to face because when they talk online there is a computer screen standing between the conversation obstructing the view of the sender and recipient. As a result kids are unable to learn from behavior and facial cues about the affects of what they are sending in a comment, or image. The screen doesn’t tell them or show them when something hurts or may be offensive. It may be easier to talk behind a screen than Face to Face. James Steyer of Common Sense Media says, “Some kids would rather ‘Facebook’ someone or send a text than talk, even if they’re in the same room.” What does that do for child’s ability to interact in a meaningful way, develop conversational skills or develop empathy?

Psychological-Cognitive Effects

Some believe that Facebook is impacting children’s brain development. “Facebook has had a huge impact on the social, emotional and cognitive development of young people,” says Steyer of Common Sense Media. “The average child spends more time today with media than they do in school or with their family.”

In addition, Larry Rosen, a psychologist, has found that “teens who use Facebook more often show narcissistic tendencies while young adults who have a strong Facebook presence show more signs of other psychological disorders, including antisocial behaviors, mania and aggressive tendencies.”

Facebook Addiction/Time Waster

Kids that go on Facebook often end up spending hours looking at other kids comments and pictures and posting their own comments and pictures. Social networking has an addictive component and may be difficult to “turn off,” especially for kids. This is partly because of the chemical release of dopamine in our brains that makes us feel better when we are social networking. “An overabundance of dopamine — while it feels great, just as sugar does — creates a mental hyperactivity that reduces the capacity for deeper focus,” says David Rock of the Neuroleadership Institute. Many tweens (22 percent) check Facebook more than 10 times each day according to CommonSense Media. Facebook can become a huge time sink. A recent study at the University of Norway says that Facebook addiction is more likely to occur among younger users and can have a real impact on their lives.Wouldn’t it be better for children to use their time for healthier, more productive activities?

Effect on Learning

When kids are supposed to be focusing on homework, they may want to go on Facebook at the same time. This can become a huge distraction and can negatively impact learning. “Studies have found that middle school, high school and college students who checked Facebook at least once during a 15-minute study period achieved lower grades,” according to psychologist Larry Rosen. Social Networking is more fun than working hard on a social studies paper or a difficult math problem. We need to teach our kids the art of focusing on difficult work and not entertaining themselves on Facebook.

Facebook Depression

Many kids compare themselves to their friends social networking profiles and may feel that they are not as popular, pretty, or cool. This can lead to Facebook depression with feelings of loneliness. “Girls are especially vulnerable,” says Steyer of Common Sense Media said, with studies indicating that many body-conscious teens are photoshopping images of themselves so as to look thinner and score more “’likes’ among their friends.”

Another Facebook game that may lead kids to feel bad about themselves is “Smash or Pass” a game where boys and girls submit photos of themselves and ask their “friends” whether they would like to “smash” (have sex with) or “pass” (turn down) the person pictured.

Cyberbullying

Many kids have witnessed cyberbullying or harassment on Facebook. According to Pew research 88 percent of teens had seen some cruelty or meanness on Facebook.

Facebook ‘Hate’ Pages

A dark side of Facebook is also seen in hate pages, such as the one created about a boy that was gay from Iowa. This hate page spewed hate about gays and invited his friends to join. This boy, Kenneth W., committed suicide. “SouthRiver Insults,” another Facebook hate page, was taken down by Facebook after pressure from parents. When one Facebook hate page is taken down, another rears its ugly head.

Facebook groups

Would you want your child exposed to some of the Facebook groups associated with binge drinking, smoking cigarettes, or smoking weed. They exist as do many more that are not appropriate for children.

Exercise/Obesity

Eight- to 18-year-olds devote an average of 7 hours and 38 minutes to using entertainment media across a typical day (more than 53 hours a week). We wonder why there is an epidemic of obesity among children? Kids should be outside playing, not on the computer and not on Facebook. A Kaiser Family Foundation study concluded that obesity is linked to the amount of time children spend watching television and videos, using the Internet and playing computer and video games.

Sexting

Sexting has become a growing problem among teens with about 20 percent of teens sending nude or seminude photos of themselves or sexually explicit messages to others. Many of these teens are aware of the potential for serious consequences, both legal and emotional of their behavior. Children do not need to be exposed to this type of behavior.

Identity Theft

When kids are not extremely careful about the information they are posting, they can become victims of identity theft. Cybercriminals may take advantage of their naivety and look for identifying information that they post. Phishing scams attempting to steal your information may also be a problem for children such as the scam “hey, do you remember this photo?” The goal of cybercriminals is to trick you into clicking on an infectious attachment or visit a malicious website so that they can get sensitive information such as passwords. Adults have trouble protecting themselves from these phishing scams, so how would children be able to stay out of harms way?

Profanity

You may not be surprised to learn that 47 percent of users have profanity on their Facebook wall. Of those users, 80 percent have at least one post or comment with a profanity from a friend. The “F” word is used most often.

What Should You Do?

There are many risks associated with a child going on Facebook. The required age of 13 may be too young for kids to be on Facebook, let alone children younger than the age of 13, with or without online safety tools. Kids need to be kids, playing outside, and playing with friends without a screen in between. Let’s really think about the value of Facebook versus the risks. I think we will all find that there is very little upside and potentially much more harm from kids going on the social networking site at a young age. Let’s keep our young children off Facebook.

Check In Periodically On Your Older Children on Facebook

For the kids that are complying with the age restriction of 13 before going on Facebook, parents should be communicating often with them about the risks and issues. Go over safety rules and check in LIVE on your child’s online activity to make sure that your kids are complying with your family rules. Trust but verify! We as parents all need to PROTECT, PREVENT, and PARENT online!

Summer Vacation-Online Safety and Behavior

7 Tips:

With school ending and summer vacation approaching quickly, children are likely to have more idle time on their hands to explore the internet. As wonderful as the internet can be, there are also dangers that parents and kids need to be aware of. Take time to talk to your children about online safety and online behavior before summer begins.

1.  Have your kids read and sign the Internet Safety and Behavior Guide.

2.   Educate yourself about the online risks and internet misuse.

• sexting
• online predators
• cyberbullying
• inappropriate websites
• misuse of social networking sites

3.   Communicate often with your children about your expectations of behavior online and your family values.   Open dialogue with your child is essential for successful parenting online.  Your kids need to know that they can talk with you about any uncomfortable, sticky online situation.  Many kids don’t talk to their parents because they are afraid that their computer privileges will be taken away.   Don’t over react!  Your job is to teach and guide even when there are difficult situations.

4.   Remember that your kids are not miniature adults and that the part of the brain responsible for good decisions, judgment and impulse control is not fully developed until and adult reaches 25 years old.  Guide and mentor your kids throughout their teen years.

5.   Check-in periodically on your child’s computer activity to make sure that your kids are following good behavior practices. As your children show you that they are adhering to good online behavior practices and a “code of conduct” you will be able to check-in less.

6.   When you check-in to make sure that your kids are complying with good behavior practices, make sure you tell them so that you reinforce positive behavior.

7.   Give yourselves a pat on the back for being a good online parent!

According to a recent study, parents do want to know what’s happening in their child’s Facebook world.  Some parents friend their child, but 60 percent of parents are secretly monitoring their children’s Facebook accounts. Parents should be monitoring Facebook but not secretly!  Is friending your child on Facebook or monitoring Facebook secretely enough? The answer is no. There are more concerns online than just Facebook. In addition, kids are turning away from Facebook to one of the more than 100 other social networking sites like Twitter and Pinterest. Also, many kids have more than one Facebook page, one for their parents and one for their friends. Are you getting the real version of what your kids are posting online? Kids are creating their own personal brand with their Facebook profile. How are they branding themselves for the world to see? What are the other concerns that parents should be paying attention to online?

• Sexting
• Online Predators
• Cyberbullying
• Identity theft
• Internet addiction
• Inappropriate Websites that include, video chat sites, pro-anorexia and self-harm sites.

Many parents think of the online world and offline world as two separate entities. But to kids the online world and offline world are one and the same. It’s imperative that parents are involved in both worlds if they want to be parents of this plugged-in generation. Parents need to parent online just as they do offline.

Some parents say I trust my child to behave appropriately online. What is there to trust if they haven’t been taught appropriate online behavior? Teaching is a key component of parenting and needs to be applied to our children’s online world as soon as children go online. When our kids are little we hold there hand while crossing the street. We go through a process of teaching them how to safely cross the street.  When we feel comfortable that they have learned this skill, then we let go of their hand and let them cross independently. As parents we don’t toss the car keys to our 16-year-old and say go ahead drive, I trust you. We teach them first. We as parents need to teach online skills and behavior as well. Then we can trust them to behave online as we have taught them with check-ins to make sure they are complying with our rules. These check-ins are necessary because 26 percent of children said they ignored their parents’ warnings on Internet safety.

Kids are not miniature adults. Their brains are not fully developed until they are 25 years old. The part of the brain that controls good decision making, impulsive behavior, good judgment is not ready for prime time. Parents need to guide their children throughout their teen years in all areas of Internet usage and behavior and make sure their kids are complying with Internet safety rules.  Why is this so important?  Kids are online for hours of the day and we can’t ignore this part of their lives. What kids do online can have a huge impact on their lives.

Colleges, scholarship providers and employers are all looking at Facebook prior to admission or employment. As parents we need to protect our children from making life-changing mistakes. Once something is posted online it’s out in cyberspace forever. There are no take backs or re-dos.  As parents we need to prevent mistakes from happening in the first place. Kids can easily go to inappropriate websites with a click of a button. Kids are curious and will explore the Internet, some good sites, but also sites that we would not want our children to visit. Just look at these search stats:

 
• “Sex” was the #4 search for teens and tweens
• “Porn” was the #4 most searched term for kids 7 and under.

 
Knowing what our children are doing and how our children are behaving online is not an invasion of their privacy, because the Internet is not private period. A diary stays in the bedroom, what’s posted online is like standing on a stage for the world to see.

 
More than 48 percent of kids have computers in their bedrooms with webcams. Parents wouldn’t allow strangers into their homes let alone their child’s bedroom, yet kids are engaging online in video chatrooms with strangers. Do you know who your child is Skyping with?

 
Checking in to see what your kids are doing online is no different than checking in to see what TV show your child is watching, or checking in to see if parents will be home when your child goes to a party. It’s parenting 101 which is just what we need to be doing in our childrens’ 2.O world.

Do you ever worry that your child is on the computer when they should be outside shooting hoops, or they prefer to go on Facebook instead of doing a family activity? You’d like to have a conversation on the way to school, but your child is texting incessantly?

Kids need a healthy balanced life consisting of time with family, getting an education, spending time with friends, playing sports/ exercising, getting adequate sleep and then using devices for entertainment. Unfortunately, because of unlimited access to computers, cell phones and smartphones, entertainment via electronic devices has become all important to kids, eating up time for the other elements of a healthy well-balanced life. Many kids are being entertained by some sort of device almost 24/7. Today the average media consumption for kids 8-18 according to the Kaiser Family foundation is 53 hours a week or 7 hours and 38 minutes a day.

Kids’ Ability to Self Limit

We all know that most kids left to their own devices would perpetually eat junk food,  play video games, go online or watch TV all day. Kids have a hard time with self control and self limiting because the development of the part of the brain that helps with self control is not fully developed until an adult reaches 25 years old. That’s why parents need to be active participants and provide guidance in their children’s offline and online world even as teens get older. Just as you would make sure that your child is getting a balanced, nutritious diet, you need to make sure your child’s daily activities are healthy and balanced too. Why? There can be negative health consequences when kids over use media and also the internet.  Studies have shown a correlation between heavy media use with feelings of sadness, as well as poor grades. Internet addiction  is being studied currently as a new problem of excessive use and may soon be included as a diagnosis in the psychiatric diagnostic manual-DSM-V. The characteristics of internet addiction are similar to those of excessive alcohol or drug abuse.

Your Child’s Media Exposure Makes a Difference

Entertainment whether it’s surfing online, watching a movie, TV, playing a game or entering the Facebook world needs to be evaluated by parents for it’s positive effect and value. It’s easy to see what a child is watching on TV and to say “No” to a program that’s not appropriate or a movie that’s R rated. It’s easy to say “No” to twinkies for breakfast. Everything your child is exposed to in their daily lives does have an effect on healthy brain development and the hardwiring of their brains. This hardwiring will impact their attitudes and values and ultimately who they will be later in life. As psychologist David Walsh says, “ Neurons that fire together, wire together.” He continues, “If  teenagers spend their waking hours immersed in violent, crude, and lewd images their brains will be influenced by these experiences. Instead of shaping their brains with positive attitudes and values they’ll wire their brains with disrespect and degradation.”

If what your child is consuming isn’t positive, don’t allow it, whether it’s TV, movies, games, internet, or Facebook. Research has shown that violent games make kids more aggressive, and a recent study showed that girls that watch reality shows believe that you have to lie to get what you want, being mean earns more respect than being nice, and that you have to be mean to others to get what you want; not attitudes or values that we want our kids to be learning. One psychotherapist says that “Facebook is a breeding ground for inappropriate language, behavior & bullying.”

Have you considered saying NO to Facebook, especially for young tweens?

A Positive Plan

How do you get your teen/tween child in balance? Fortunately, parents continue to be the major influence in a child’s life, so you can really teach your kids about the value of a healthy balanced life style and they will listen.(even when you think they aren’t!) But parents need a plan that encourages a healthy dose of non-electronic face time with family, friends, as well as exercise. When those things are back in balance, some electronic entertainment is fine. Cellphones and the internet are here to stay, but they shouldn’t be all consuming. Parents need to e-mentor™ and monitor their children’s electronic and media use.

Proactively e-Mentor™ and Participate in Your Child’s Online World

Many parents friend their children on Facebook and think they’ve done enough and will know enough of what’s going on in their child’s social life. There is, however, so much more to being an “e-aware” parent than that. For instance, there are more than a hundred other social networking sites, including Zanga, Hi5, Bebo and so on. Also, many kids have more than one Facebook profile — one for their parents and one for their friends! Kids — very good kids — are not necessarily doing what you think they are online. A recent report shows that 10% of kids admit to visiting adult content sites when parents aren’t around and 40% stop what they’re doing online when a parent is watching.

There are so many opportunities for kids to get to porn sites,  play violent video games,  video chat with strangers’ sites,  anorexia sites,  you name it. Kids are naturally curious, so they have a natural inclination to explore anything and everything online. Parents — don’t assume you know until you check. Who are they chatting with on Skype? Who’s on their friends list on Facebook? Do they know every friend on that list in the offline world? They probably are watching TV shows or movies online. Would you allow them to watch these same shows if they were in the family room watching with you?

The obvious point is that you need to be proactively paying attention to what your kids are doing online and on their cellphones. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents make sure that what kids are exposed to is positive, healthy and balanced. Parents are also urged to “supervise online activity via active participation and communication.”

The proliferation of electronics is overwhelming for many parents and makes it more difficult to stay on top of their children’s lives. For children/teens to grow into healthy, well-balanced adults, we parents must take the time to be involved and monitor all aspects of our children’s lives not just what’s placed right in front of us.

Developing a Plan for a Healthy Balanced Media Life:  

• Small Steps: If you haven’t had a plan till now, don’t expect to make changes over night. Take small steps. Remember small steps can = Big Changes.

• Communicate: Talk to your kids about what a healthy balanced life style looks like and that it should include learning time, friends time, family time, exercise time, sleep time and then entertainment time. Talk to them about what’s appropriate media for them to be consuming and what’s not. Don’t be afraid to say NO to media consumption that you don’t  approve of such as TV shows, websites, chatrooms, movies online, or Facebook.

• Family Time: Limit cellphones use by not allowing cellphones at the dinner table when this is a time to talk face to face with family. Place a basket near by where all cellphones are placed — yes, you too parents. Remove cellphones from social events such as family get togethers. Try having a“tech-free night” for family time. Some families enjoy having a board game night. If you want to have a conversation in the car with your child, have your child put away their phone. That means that you need to put your phone away too. You need to model good behavior and shouldn’t be on your cellphone when driving anyway.

• Education: Limit cellphone use in school, so that education is not effected by this entertaining distraction. 49 percent of teens use cellphones at school during class time. Check your wireless carrier for parental controls allowing phone time restrictions during the school day. Homework time should not be interrupted with Facebook, Skype other online  activities. E-Mentor™ and  Monitor to make sure your child are staying on task and focused on their work. You may see an improvement in grades when your child isn’t so distracted. Once they’re done with homework then they can go online with their friends for a limited period time.

• Sleep: Limit computer and cellphone use at night so that your child is getting adequate sleep to keep them healthy and alert for school. Have kids turn in cellphone  at night by charging them in your bedroom. Have your child turn in their laptop or other mobile device into a basket in your bedroom too. If you allow them to keep their computer in their bedroom then monitor by checking recorded activity to make sure they are turning off their computer’s at night; trust but verify.

• Socialization: Make sure they are not hiding in their rooms isolated on the computer playing games instead of joining an activity that allows for face to face socialization. When your child has friends over, limit the amount of time they can spend on the computer.

• Quality of Media Consumption: Monitor your child’s online activity to check the quality of the media your child is consuming online.  Is the movie appropriate for their age? Are they going to porn sites when you’re not around? Are they playing a violent game?

Cellphones, social networking sites, video sites, video games are all here to stay. Take a few minutes of your day to make sure your child learns the essentials of a healthy balanced life. You may have less worry and enjoy each other more.

Many tweens and teens have computers in their bedrooms with webcams, often unsupervised. They may unknowingly engage with an online predator, posing as a teen and send nude pictures or videos that are then recorded, which can lead to serious consequences.

Sexting Stats:

• 20% of teens 13-19, more girls than boys, have sent a nude or semi nude picture or video of themselves via mobile device or posted online.

• 39% of teens are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages, more boys than girls.

• 48% of teens say they have received sexually suggestive messages either online or mobile device.

• 71% girls and 67% boys in their teens send these pictures or messages to boyfriends or girlfriends.

• 36% of teens say that it is common for pictures to get shared with someone other than the intended recipient and 44% say it is common for messages to get shared with others.

• 73% of teens say they know that sending sexually suggestive content “can have serious negative consequences,” yet 23% also think it’s harmless.

Why do Teens Sext

The majority of teens sext because they think it’s a “fun and flirtatious activity.” Many teens are feeling pressured by either boyfriends/girlfriends to sext. Many girls send pics as a “sexy present” to their boyfriends. Sometimes “these images are shared as a part of or instead of sexual activity, or as a way of starting or maintaining a relationship with a significant other,” according to Amanda Lenhart of Pew Research. More than a third of teens say they exchange sexually suggestive images or messages with the expectation of dating or hooking up.

Consequences of Sexting

Unfortunaely, the internet is not  private and anything posted is like standing on a world stage for anyone to see.  Once that send button is pushed anyone may be able to see that picture or message.  A teen may think their picture is private and is just for their boyfriend and girlfriend to see, but it rarely is. Almost half of teens say that it’s common for messages to get shared with someone other than the intended recipient. The real damage  of sexting is when sexually suggestive messages thought to be private are shared and potentially spread around the internet for all to see.  That’s when reputations are destroyed. By hitting that send button, a teen may have huge regrets when they discover  they’ve lost control of  that the image or message.  Once it’s sent and passed on, there is no going back, no take backs, no redos.  Teens need to be taught that if even one person passes along that message or picture, it’s very likely that person will pass it along  too and so on.

The number of texts being sent averages to be about 60 a day according to a recent Pew report. With so many messages being sent, teens often don’t take the time to think about what the consequences may be of sending that message or image.  Teens as compared to adults are impulsive by nature resulting in lack of self control and “not thinking through actions” due to  their incomplete brain development and lack of maturity. They are after all kids and not miniature adults.

Once an image is spread around the consequences can be severe leading to name calling, public ridicule, cyberbullying and even suicide.  In July 2008, Cincinnati teen Jesse Logan committed suicide after a nude photo she’d sent to a boyfriend was circulated widely around her high school, resulting in harassment from her classmates.

Sexting is a Crime

It’s considered a violation of  child pornography laws or felony obscenity. The law prohibits creation, possession and transmission of child pornography by any “person.” including minors. Some teens have been arrested, fortunately, “most law enforcement officials are handling these sexting cases in a thoughtful way and not treating teens like sex offenders and child pornographers,” said Janis Wolak, J.D.

Sexting Affects Your Reputation:

A tween/teen’s  reputation both online and off is precious.  Once a teen’s reputation has been tarnished by sexting it can be impossible to repair. Thinking about the consequences of sexting is crucial to protecting a teen’s reputation. Colleges, employers, coaches, scholarship providers are all checking the internet and social media to find out more about a student or potential employee. It’s important for kids to understand this before they hit the send button so that they don’t destroy their futures.

Sextortion:

Another growing concern is Sextortion, the use of nude photos to elicit more photos or sexual contact.  Many teens are alone in their bedrooms with webcams and may not be fully aware of who they’re engaged with online.  Predators posing as teens online may solicit nude photos or videos from unsuspecting kids. A tween or teen girl may think they’re sending sexts to a male friend but instead are sending the image to an imposter, a predator posing as a teen.  Kids are often unaware that these videos or photos are recorded. Once a naked image is sent, the predator then demands more images and threatens the victim if they refuse.

This recently happened to a 13-year-old girl from Massachusetts.  “The girl thought she was corresponding on Facebook with a young man and sent him a naked picture; it was actually a 35-year-old man named Jonathan Murphy. He threatened the girl that he would come to the U.S. if she didn’t send him more pictures.”  Another international sextortion case recently solved by the FBI involved many adolescent girls in which two men “hacked  into their computers and then turned on their webcams to get video of them naked. Once the men had the images, they extorted their victims to get them to provide more photos and videos of themselves.”   The potential damage down the road can be severe when these images are disseminated – both emotionally and to their reputations.

What Can Parents Do:

• Talk to your tween/teen about sexting.  Educate them about the legal consequences of sexting and potential damage to their reputation and emotional well being.
• Teach your tween/teen that the internet is not private and to think before they hit the send button. Remind your kids that once an image is sent, it can’t be deleted or removed from the online world. Pose that scenario to them… do they want  their friends, classmates, teachers, parents and relatives seeing a naked or semi-naked picture of them?
• Talk to your teens about peer pressure and saying “No” even when it seems “uncool.” Let them know that the humiliation and potential damage to their reputation will be far worse if they lose control of a sext.  What if their boyfriend breaks up with them?  Would that boyfriend then send that image that was a “sex present” to others?
• Teach your tween/teen that if they receive a sext delete it.  If they send the image to other friends this can be considered distribution of pornography which is illegal. They can also really harm another person’s reputation.  Do they want that on their conscience?
• Teach your kids to only chat with people they know in the offline world.  Teach them that predators often try to engage with kids on social networking sites and in chatrooms and may pose as a teenager.
• E-Mentor and Monitor your child’s computer and webcam use to see how they’re behaving online, so that you can teach them safe, appropriate online behavior.
• Remember that when your kids know you’re checking on their online behavior, they are less likely to engage in risky behavior.
• Get to know the language that kids use online such as, GNOC-Get Naked On Camera.
• If your child is the victim of sextortion, contact your local Internet Crime Against Children task force at your local police or state police department.

Hiding behind a screen without supervision is empowering to the anonymous cyberbully. Justin Patchin, co-director of the Cyberbullying Research Center in Wisconsin said, “There are some kids who say things online that they would never say … in the real world.”   One sixteen-year-old girl gives herself  permission to say mean things online,  “You don’t have to say it to a person. You don’t have to see their reaction or anything, and it’s like you’re talking to a computer screen so you don’t see how you’re hurting them. You can say whatever you want, because you’re home and they can’t do anything.”

This online cyberbullying can be stopped, when parents are paying attention and monitoring their children online.  Michele Borba, psychologist and parenting expert says parents need to monitor their kids online to keep them safe. “When kids know their parents are monitoring their off or online actions they are less likely to engage in risky behavior.”  When kids know your checking they are far less likely to post a nasty comment and cyberbully.

Kids will continue to create these pages to hurt others unless parents step up, monitor and teach their kids appropriate online behavior.  If not parents, who?  If not now, when?

The good news is that your child actually becoming the victim of an online predator is unlikely. The bad news is that according to FBI, “online predators are everywhere online”, and are working hard to engage children online. Predators aren’t scary looking and don’t stand out. They look like you or me or anyone down the street. They are “mostly male, although we are seeing an alarming trend of female predators. Male predators are often married with children. A professional, upstanding in the community but leading a deviant lifestyle through the Internet.”

Parents need to pay attention to their children’s online activity and take preventative measures to protect their children from online predators. No one wants their child to be that victim that we read about in the news all too frequently.

Stats parents should know:

• More than 500,000 predators are online everyday
• Kids 12 to 15 are susceptible to being groomed and manipulated by offenders online
• FBI stats show that more than 50% of victims of online sexual exploitation are 12-15 years old
• 89 % of all sexual advances towards our children take place in internet chat rooms and through instant messaging
• In (27%) of exploitation incidents, predators asked kids for sexual photographs of themselves.
• 4% of kids get “aggressive” sexual solicitations that included attempts to contact the kids offline

How do predators connect with children online?

Chatrooms are a predators dream come true and are the predominant online location where predators meet kids. Sites like Omegle that invite kids to talk to strangers are a parents nightmare. Teaching your child not to talk to strangers is one of the first lessons in life that a parent gives their child. There are hundreds of these sites. Kids are naturally curious and many kids visit them thinking it’s no big deal. Kids should not be on these sites period. They are disturbing and ripe with nudity and explicit disgusting sexual behavior in addition to being havens for predators. Many gaming sites also have chatroom capabilities leaving a child vulnerable to potential exploitation. Many of these sites have webcam functionality. “There are ways to turn the webcam on without you knowing you’re being watched,” said an FBI Special Agent.

Predators can also find kids on Facebook and other social networking sites. They often create a fake identity online and may pose as a teenager, the child never the wiser. Many kids become friends with complete strangers online with 70% of kids accepting “friend” requests regardless of whether they know who they are friending. A little less than half (43%) of teenagers who first met someone online later met them in real life.

You Tube and other video sites where kids post videos about themselves is another vehicle for predators to find children. The more information kids post about themselves on line the easier it is for a predator to find them. Pictures of kids in school sports uniforms, talking about their school or activity, posting where they are on their status updates, or using Foursquare a geo-location site. There are many opportunities for predators to compile the puzzle pieces to find out more about a child, their tastes in music, TV, and ultimately where they’re located. Many kids are indiscriminate about the information they are posting online, on their social networking profiles for the world to see. According to a Harrisinteractive/McAffee study, more than half of teens (52%) have given out personal information online to someone they don’t know offline including personal photos and/or physical descriptions of themselves. Many 13-17 year olds, (69%) have updated their status on social networking sites to include their physical location, 28% chatted with strangers (people whom they did not know in the offline world) and 12% have posted their cellphone number.

After the Predator has made a Connection: Grooming

Adolescents is a time of turmoil for many kids resulting in difficult relationships with parents as they are seeking to be independent adults. This is neither the fault of parents nor kids. Some kids may feel lonely, unsupported, that their parents are too strict, and that no one understands them. They may turn to the internet and chat rooms to find someone they can talk to and feel a connection with. Unfortunately, this can be a recipe for disaster as predators wait for these vulnerable kids. Predators are master manipulaters and provide the online “pretend” support these kids are looking for to build trust and to verify the child’s feelings. They work at becoming that child’s friend and gaining trust which is known as the grooming process. “It could continue for days or weeks before the pedophile begins bringing up sexual topics, asking for explicit pictures or for a personal meeting. By that time an emotional connection has been made.”

After a nude picture is sent by the child, sometimes sextortion occurs, extortion using sexual images. This recently happened to a Massachusetts 13 year old who thought she was communicating with a teenager. She sent him a naked photo. This man is 35 and from England. He then threatened her if she didn’t send more naked pictures. Fortunately this man is behind bars.

Another recent case involved a 12 year old girl. A teacher happened to confiscate this girl’s phone and noticed inappropriate text messages. The 28 year old man from El Salvador was planning on picking up this girl from school that afternoon. The man had sent her the cellphone; her mom didn’t know she had one.

These stories are alarming and they are real. In both situations, these predators found their victim on Facebook.

What Can Parents Do?

1. Self education- Learn what kids may be exposed to online – Learn what the risks are.
2. Communitcating, educating, e-mentoring your kids about:
• Online risks
• Chatrooms, game site risks
• Predators and to be aware of manipulative behavior, gifts, requests for nude pictures, grooming.
• Predators don’t look scary, they look like you or I, or the person down the street.
• Teaching your child that if they get in a situation that feels uncomfortable, that they should and can always come to you and that they won’t get in trouble if they do.
• Only friend people they know on Social Networking Sites
• Never meet someone they’ve met online without talking to an adult first.
• Turn off webcam when not in use

3. E-mentor kids online especially when they have a computer in their bedroom. ScreenRetriever enables parents to monitor children’s computer activity live where ever the child’s computer is located in the home including who your child is communicating with using their webcam.

4. Set limits and ground rules about what your child is allowed to do online, sites they visit, information they post, who their friends are on social networking sites, who they are chatting with. Go over the ScreenRetriever tips before they are allowed on the computer.

5. Learn the language your kids use on the computer and cellphone, like A/S/L or GNOC.

6. When your child comes to you with a problem, be there for them, and don’t over react. Many kids don’t tell their parents when they have a problem online because they are afraid they will lose computer privileges.

7. Start e-mentoring early when kids go on the computer so that your family values and rules are ingrained early.

One child caught in the manipulative trap of a predator is one too many. This can be prevented when parents “parent online” and “e-mentor”.

Computers and Cellphones Are Keeping Kids Awake At Night

It’s 1 a.m. and Sara wakes to the sound of her vibrating cellphone after a friend sent a text. At 2 a.m. Matt is chatting with his girl friend on Skype. At 6:30a.m.they both wake to the sound of their alarm clocks because it’s a school day. They stumble out of bed bleary eyed and drag themselves to school. While in history class, Sara doses off. Matt rear ends someone at a stop light because he’s not as alert as he needs to be. Fortunately, no one is hurt.

This scenario is becoming an all too common problem for tweens/teens suffering from sleep deprivation because they are using cellphones, social networks, gaming sites in the middle of the night while alone in their rooms. Sleep deprivation can lead to dangerous situations and also clearly impacts learning. A recent study revealed that 75% of teens use cellphones at night when they should be sleeping. Also, according to an American Academy of Pediatrics study, after 9 pm, 55% reported being online and 24% played computer games. Parents are asleep in their rooms and have no idea this is going on.

Sleep Deprivation Impacts Ability to Learn

Sleep deprivation really does impact our kids’ ability to learn according to Dr. Paul Howard-Jones, an internationally recognized neuroscientist. We need sleep to learn, plain and simple. Dr. Jones says that sleep allows the brain to consolidate information that’s been received and encoded. Learning actually takes place while we sleep. When sleep is disturbed the ability to learn is reduced.

“There are literally millions of adolescents who feel despondent, get poor marks, or are too tired to join high-school teams all because they are getting too little sleep.” How can we as parents help? If you want to optimize your kids ability to learn in the classroom, take away and turn off those cellphones and computers at night. When the phone is left on, kids feel the need to answer. “It could be something important. I’ve got to see who it is.” Parents need to be parents and step in to make sure their children are getting adequate sleep and are not having their sleep interrupted by cellphones and computers.

The Bright Screen Light Affect

Neuroscientists have discovered that bright screen lights from computer devices decrease melatonin which in turn affect the bodies sleep/ wake cycles. So if your child is using their cellphone at night their ability to sleep will be decreased.

Recommended Amount of Sleep

The medical community recommends that children 7-12 years old get 10–11 hours of sleep per night and that 12-18 years old get at least 8–9 hours per night. Unfortunately, about 45% of adolescents ages 11 to 17 get less than eight hours of sleep a night and 28% of high-school kids fall asleep in school at least once a week, according to a Sleep in America poll.

Sleep Deprivation Affects Health Too

The role of sleep has clearly been under valued and yet has major implications for a child’s/teen’s well being and health. “The trend of sleep deprivation is leading to many daytime problems for teenagers, including headaches, impaired concentration, weakened immune systems, crankiness, increased use of nicotine or caffeine and hyperactive behavior often misconstrued as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,” says Dr. Myrza Perez. Drowsy driving which can lead to deadly accidents is also a big concern for teens who are sleep deprived. Anxiety disorders and even obesity have been linked to sleep deprivation. One teen age girl who suffered from headaches, went to the doctor and had a CAT scan. The diagnosis turned out to be too much texting at night.

What Parents Can Do:

• Establish rules of computer/cellphone use with your teen.
• Teach your kids the value of sleep. Kids want to do well in school and on sports teams and to be educated about the impact of sleep deprivation on their well being. If your teen understands the importance of sleep, they may be more willing to turn off cellphones and computers to get a good night’s ZZZZs.
• The best option is to have your children plug their phones into chargers and turn in their laptops at a certain time at night—in the parents bedroom.
• Some phone carriers have parental controls that allow you to turn off your child’s phone at night.
• The “Trust but Verify” approach can be used if you allow your kids to keep their cellphones and laptops at night. You can check cellphones by looking at the phone usage records provided by your wireless carrier. Phones should be off, not left on vibrate which will still wake up your child. For laptops you can check the recorded computer activity of your child, (with a monitoring product like ScreenRetriever) by viewing your kid’s internet activity-to see if they are complying with your rules of turning off their laptops at night.

And don’t forget that you as the parent remain the biggest influence in your child’s life. They are listening even when you think they’re not!